As a former divorce mediator and collaborative divorce attorney, there was certainly an art to communication that was needed when dealing with both the husband and wife during high intensity emotions during divorce.
I believe we all need collaborative conflicts skills to have healthy, functioning relationship. Collaborative communication is not about compromise its about seeking positive solutions to progress while expression our feelings authentically and respectfully.
Here is a 3 step process to move away from conflicts and build deeper connection with your children when you reach an impasse:
1.Balance Between Boundaries And Autonomy
Many conflicts, even from the youngest ages, is a conflict between creating a balance between boundaries and giving children positive power.
Determine if the issue is life sustaining- issues that create imminent and immediate harm to the safety and well-being of your child.
The problem is we set arbitrary boundaries based on our mood on things that aren’t life sustaining, sometime times we are impatient and moody and don’t want to be inconvenienced.
Children need to know their limits but we have to know when to be flexible and when to be calm, confident and firm.
Non-negotiable boundaries are those that relate to life sustaining issues that create imminent harm to the safety, health and well-being of your child.
Key is IMMINENT- this isn’t the what if scenarios that some time in the future there is potential for your child to be harmed. You can’t parent from the “what if” scenario because all you’ll do is live in fear and hold your children back, and eventually their’ll either take on your fear or resent you from keeping them from experiencing certain situations in life because of you fear.
If an issue isn’t life sustaining, children need to feel like their opinions and voice matters, of course taking into consideration their age.
2. Learn to tolerate conflict…
Many times we react when our kids misbehave because of the anxiety their behavior creates in us. We want them to comply so then we can feel at ease.
The trick to tolerate anxiety is realizing conflict is a natural part of engaging in any kind of relationship.
Conflict can be healthy it depends how we process it.
Disagreement is a normal reaction that people are allowed to have different viewpoints on an idea. Disagreement doesn’t equal dsyfunction. It’s a healthy sign that the other person is able to express their own opinions that just happen to be different from you.
If we can’t tolerate conflict stay with it to a satisfactory win-win solution we’ll give up something important and ultimately feel like we are not honoring our voice and feel invalidated. We aren’t happy with the outcome and only happy to escape the anxiety conflict evokes.
Release your agenda and tune into your child’s highest good. Look beyond the behavior and understand what is the feeling that is causing the reaction. It’s from making the attempt to understand the core feelings of our child that we begin to realize conflict is such an opportunity to get more about our child.
3. A, B, C Approach to finding solution
There are always at least 3 different solutions to a problem we just have to be open and flexible to find them. You want A your child wants B and the solution is finding C.There are infinite possibilities of solutions you just need to find one that you both agree on.
This allows children to realize there is always a solution to any complicated problem if you are willing to let go of the idea that is me vs you but you and me together seeking new solutions together.
The goal of parenting is to help children increase self-control an decisions making powers so they grow to be able to confidently make their own decisions without feeling dependent on others to make them for them. Giving away to much power?
Through collaborate communication we learn to calmly assert ourselves while learning to honor the wishes of others.
This approach works with children who are old enough to speak their feelings.
Give choices when you can and allow you children to provide alternatives too.
Sample Scripts
Perhaps we aren’t going to agree, but we both need to able to hear each other respectfully. Then we can both come to a solution that we both are okay with. We each need to figure out whats truly import nd whats not.
You want A and I want B so lets create a plan C so that both of us are happy. Do you have any idea.s We both need to care a win win situation we are okay with. This may take time and effort buti’m willing to do this with you
Remember our children need to know that each persons voice, including theirs, is important and will be heard. Life isn’t always fair and we won’t always get things exactly the way we want it. But if we can tolerate the discomfort by giving something up we gain something better. A win-win situation that serves everyones highest good.
It’s much easier to just yell, dictate and try to control the behaviors of you children . Disciple so they comply but you do this at a large cost. The disconnection from themselves to their true self and you harbor deep disconnection from you.
It takes patience and time to find workable solutions.
So now I’d love to hear from you.
Share in the comments below, some techniques you use to build deeper connection and end conflict with your children.
Have a beautiful rest of your week mama,
